11/21/12

Tension disintegrates the will,

Barriers once held now pulsing,

As I float through the amniotic pill,

That for a time was a blessing,

 

The puss-oozing shattered heart,

Green metallic sheen gleams bright,

Decomposing the bits of me, 

To nourish other cozen lovers, 

There must be a cure for this ill,

Frantically arriving nowhere twice, 

Still, I yearn for my antibiotic dream,

A light in my life, in the most cliche, 

Before I have described it as,

Traveling through tunnels, crypts, 

Growing, death, rebirth, or rest,

And my memories severs the clips. 

11/16/12

Suddenly I was pierced by a trusting pair of eyes,
Gleaming through my defenses like I was five again,
The gaze penetrated my soul and brought it out,
When a fish swallows a hook too deeply, instinctual,
The guts come bursting forth without any shame,
Staring into my pooling tears a gentle I Love You,
Shattered mechanisms of isolating distance reflexes,
I show who I am, who I am becoming, who I used to be,
A question apolemic and yet in contentious connexion,
Reality can only exist if there is a Nothing in comparison,
Feeling wrenched, without the decency of a solvent,
I'm in a natural human predicament, reason vs. emotion,
And as long as those gorgeous orbits grasp my contortion,
Rationality is overcome by a tide of acceptance.

I do find myself in a most peculiar set of circumstances,
With this notre nouvel amour sowing zygotic plants,
My deepest desire is to find sufficient evidence,
That the seedlings are being sown equally in both gardens,
And that dialogue may continue to present itself mutually,
Here ladies and gentlemen, the spectacle of reason,
In a relationship of necessary connexion with emotion!
Come one, come all to see this freak show develop!
It's a once and a lifetime opportunity, and the tickets are free!
Either way, the fruits will be eaten when ripened to perfexion,
And just maybe we can be satisfied.

An exercise within the constructs of western morality

GLUTAL GRIPS HOTTER LEVY WHEN TONED STURDY

Pride: Total delusion that I am better than anyone else, that my life is more important.
Wrath: Perceptions of power beyond means and despite ends, with no regard towards reality.
Gluttony: Over consumption of physical, mental, emotional, or carnal manifestations.
Lust: Allowance of physical, mental, emotional, or carnal manifestations to consume all energy and presence.
Envy: Malicious reactions to jealousy paired with delusions of self.
Greed: Desires of acquisition of things beyond the reach of the realistic and reasonable with disregard for the well being of others.
Sloth: Total rejection of the basic desires and instincts needed for survival in favor of unhealthy inaction.

10/28/12

What a full glistening pearl of a moon,
On a brilliant walk home,
Crisp autumn air kisses my lips,
Attempting to reclaim a lost partner,
The winds know of what I do with her,
While there, a cool breeze tickles,
As a reminder that Winter is still to come.

Perhaps, perhaps I will have no need,
Just maybe, Winter will not come,
She could save me from it,
But I cannot expect this of her.

Numbness once knew me,
A tender touch of Winter's intimacy,
That quiet desolation whitewashing,
Striping of all character imminence,
And subtle beauty of contradiction,
Once raking me of serenity,
Numbness once knew me.

She seems to know how to defeat it,
How to extract the essence,
Attain victory without violence,
And leave me at peace with my Winter.

Nothing Escapes

Nothing escapes,
Nothing, escapes,
Escape nothing dear,
Nothing escapes,

spastic intention
caustic prevention
nihilistic salvation
realist iconization

Nothing esccapes,
Nothing, escapes,
Escape is nothing dear,
Nothing escapes,

simultaneously drifting, yet directional,
sifting experiences and clipping its presence,
banishment of clannish intent, self righteous fool,
dissolving consciousness into a collexion, a tool

Nothing escapes,
Nothing, escapes.

All is one

All is One, All one is, One is All,
                              One all is.
Is all one, Is one all,
Everything you need to understand,
Seen in a fire.
Items in the fire, they have a past,
Who cut that log, tossed the twig,
What tree grew them,
Where was this organism,
The nourishment of it,
What decomposed its remains,
Consequently, I have a fire,
Where will its products go,
I set the reaction in motion,
The power of this combustion,
Where will the carbon dioxide rest,
What organism will absorb it for food,
We are born of and in life,
We use life to sustain ours,
And when we can no longer,
We sustain life.
All is One, One is All, All one is.

10/10/12

The comforting warmth,
Splits the cold in all your bones,
As love, when in need.

Saturation, dirty word,
Leaves the lips on wing,
Dripping with vigor,
Yet you find yourself,
Cut once again from it,
As if it was dancing to tease,
Frigid reality diffusion,
Through the being of the soul,
Orchestras blasting away,
And yet, it seems alright.

Autumn in Milwaukee

A new and final Autumn has arrived,
Leaking of crimson licking gold,
Breezes risen, reaping the lives of leaves,
O how to explain this natural beauty,
Light spectra, biochemical analysis,
Plain paints, or abstract philosophies,
Autumn caught my blind eyes,
Wrought out over the span of skies,
This Milwaukee prize, this fall,
What a thing it is to reside in it all,
Wisconsin in metamorphosis,
And it transpires while no one watches,
Suddenly the beauty will change,
And bring the longing winter winds,
Towering buildings as mountainous range,
The land moves because it rescinds. 

9/29/12

What is it to be harmed,
to suffer at the profit of another,
and be unaware of your situation?

How can such atrocities arise,
in cities of a risen peoples,
who look forward in consciousness?

Winners and losers, power,
dichotomic worldviews inbred,
perpetual stagnation, hint of change.

Facets, Mere Facets

Feeling ill daily, often prolonged,
This festering wound binding my eyes,
Closing off perceptions past nature,
Travel down this mountain pass,
Wearing only these spiritual robes,
Attempting to break the barrier,
Carrying a limp figure cradled,
Acute or obtuse in the total breath,
As it slips out and becomes visible,
In this cooled winter air,
Crisp, as a fresh apple, and refreshing,
That turn turns again in terms of internal,
Shifting with a swift accuracy,
Which leaves me with something new to learn,
Climbing down that cliff all adrift,
Wishing there was a true ending.

Now question if you made the right choice,
This direction denied inspection through this voice,
Lay down, victim, to this chosen path,
Don't dwell on what could have been,
Let not one tear fall in the name of this,
No matter how it is to crave her kiss.

just a few thoughts i had the other day

Constant random recontextualization towards the release of all minds held back by the restraint of common belief.  As just the adolescent doubts past the extent of cultural fixations, so does the disillusioned socially stricken self critical seeker.  Words are nothing and belong to no one individually, thus justified the stripping, ripping and repasteing we all do in everyday conversation.  This can hardly be considered our essence though, even if it is a consistency of our nature.  In this culture of change as consistency, navigation and wading still rarely take precedence. What is rare was once common and what is common will become rare. 5x4x3x2x1(I am a thinking thing.)

8/27/12

Looking back at those daze,
A familiar sound I taste,
Those nights we spent together,
Month after month together,
Your silken body on my bed,
Shimmering with moonlight,
Dripping in sweat afterwards,
And my ungreatful mind,
Keeps pullin' chains at me,
While I now sleep alone.

Waking everyday in stillness,
Everything exactly as it was,
Drifting through this life,
With dreams of you here,
Drilling and pounding away,
You can't hammer a screw,
You can't screw a nail,
But you can love a lover,
Jokes n Jokes n Jokes,
It's like a theatrical show:
The Biggest Test (a metaphysical journey of emotional proportions!)

That last month killed me,
Just tore at a bleeding heart,
Separatists by daylight noon,
Passionate lovers by midnight moon,
And if you never forgive me,
I understand. Honey, I understand.

Turning the Sound of a Wheel

You are the focal point,
Insofar as we hear them,
Is it sound to assume you realize,
The sound here to subtract,
To reintegrate, it's the sound of,
We are the patient as,
Everyone can see you're rising,
Your mind as you must,
Assume the thing it represents?
Which attracts my sight in flux,
You're not, spin the wheel and,
I am the aftermath of,
But as others say, "All ideas rain,
We all are just students of life,
Your transcendence beyond the facts,"
Complement of everything I am,
Are perceptible the thought-up addition that's,
That I could never pretend: the out.
Which my soul clings tightly,
You are a belief to,
That patience will one day recompense,
Convinced, nor have ever been.

Collaboration

Tsunami from rain cloud,
rather accept; I notice that that, 
I. Disaster free liquid being, 
its look too kind, shimmering and tumultuous,
Like, but, I have traveled to,
The day had just, sent by the daft, begun,
The beheld raging river of mine,
And the deaf to give breath to the mess,
When I hit and each stone a miss,
Is inside my sin with death,
Ship has floated but,
Realized I'd never left the dock,
Free liquid being and I fear this unknown,
And in my eyes, beauty is-
of the clock within my reality,
Feast of frivolous proportions,
With each step turn me, it is all,
But know my truth, a, to the water,
Disaster I have been devoted, inside out. 

My Grandfather's Lake

When the sun sets down,
On my late grandfather's lake,
The gift it has to bare,
I sit me down on a rock,
I stare, i stare, i stare.
To strive to see all his glee,
Had I known him there,
On his lake when sand is baked,
The sun goes in to sleep,
With crimson clouds,
And now golden brows,
His love still there to take.

Visions From The Lake

As a mother swoons a babe,
She slips into a dream,
Rocking each other back and forth,
Like water as a wave,
This simple time acts as tide,
It is love that has been made,
When this mother is as lover,
This child shall be saved.
And in her dreams, the child's screams,
Her heart cannot contain,
The pain is felt as she will melt,
And drip into the lake.

Mirroring Waters Still

Mirroring waters still,
Gently petting the shore,
White cusps of the wave,
One more. One more, one more.

Glassy north lake surface,
Beneath, clawing at sand,
Classic beauty circus,
Just lapping onto land,

The too and fro, but,
For not winters snow,
This pattern must repeat,
The Mirroring waters still.

Summer 2012

I have been doing quite a bit of reading this summer, which is in fact unusual for me.  I have gone through great teachers, such as Patanjali, Alan Watts, and the Dalai Lama.  I have studied the emotional expression of Theodore Roethke.  I have also studied the lives of Taira Masakado and Miyamoto Musashi.  The book "Shane," for which I am named after the main character, also made an appearance on my reading list.  And now I am currently going through a book that looks at human behaviors like you would observe any animal for behavioral patterns, focusing on the idea of intimacy.  In short, this summer I have been observing how people attempt to obtain mastery of self, mastery of emotional communication, lives of specific individuals who were striving to attain both of these, and observing how the behavioral patterns of these individuals relates both culturally and psychologically. 

Mastery of self, being the broad topic it is, undoubtedly is one of the most described and attempted  feats of humanity.  Yet the true mastery of self is usually described as impossible.  Here it seems that mastery of self implies some kind of focus and control over ones consciousness.  Consciousness contains many parts, but the one that I am thinking specifically of is the emotional awareness that many students of self mastery strive for.  This is not to be confused with emotional repression or obliteration, but seeing the emotion for what it is and where it comes from.  In this focus, the art form of poetry stands out to me.  To be able to take a complex series of emotions and lay them out in a way that is not only descriptive of the feeling but linguistically appealing as well would seem to be the work of some kind of super human.  Yet I truly feel that most anyone can do it.  It really starts with the inner focus and the awareness of what one is feeling.  Only then can you begin to describe it in a way that another person can feel empathy for the emotion.  In this modern world we tend to share our most intimate emotions only with those who we have a physically intimate relationship with.  I will be the first to admit that sharing poetry is not easy for people, but having to explain the poems to people face to face has a totally different intensity to it.  The intensity is vamped up when there is no physical intimacy between the person you are sharing so much of your inner self with.  When I think of difficult things or am faced with a difficulty in my life, the knowledge and comfort that I get from studying martial arts or famous figures in martial arts is never passed by much of anything.  The strategic mind provides that spark of intimacy so common in the male mind.  So what did I do this summer when I faced one of the most difficult choices in my life? Followed that predictable pattern of mine and dove into study of strategy and inner awareness.  Taira Masakado was a new figure for me to study this summer and a good one at that.  He played within the social constructs of his day and was struck down shortly after claiming to be the emperor of the east.  Masakado never stood a chance and he knew it.  So knowing he was going to be a dead man no matter what, he decided to go out in a blaze of glory by taking over 8 provinces in the Kanto region and claiming to be emperor.  Musashi on the otherhand was a famous samurai dualist who never lost a duel.  He never followed the rules that society let for him and was vastly underestimated for it.  He was a master of psychological warfare and the martial art of two swords.  In his last years he retired to the life of a monk and wrote down his knowledge so that others may read it.  Both men are remembered and are very famous figures in Japanese history.  It is clear to me who I would rather see as a role model though.  Musashi is actually quite similar to the main character from the novel "Shane."  Both are loners who are basically outcast by society for their nonconformist nature.  Both are terribly deadly, being masters of their specific weapons and arts styles.  They both actually appear to be masters of jujistu, a martial art that I had studied when I was a young boy.  The basic archetypal character of the loner nonconformist that has been predominant in my life.  So reading about these kinds of people should start to shed some light on the behavioral patterns that are consistent with my own.  There are inevitably flaws in the character and Musashi, which are things that I intend to resolve for myself.  Neither one of the men were known to have taken a wife or had any children.  I want to correct this in my life and pass on what I have learned from my parents and family on to my own children so that they might make the world a better place through the education.  Also having a basic understanding of infant and early childhood intimacy puts me in a much better place that my father in terms of how to deal with the child in a cultivating way.  

The study will go on and the overarching concepts will become more and more clear, but there will always be more to scratch my head at.   Compassion is truth. 

If I were to die right now

If I were to die right now,
What would I worry about?
It wouldn't matter just how,
My body would be taken.

If I were to die right now,
I can say it was a good life,
But I haven't reached my goal,
I suppose I can't die yet.

So if I were to die right now,
Never know the love of my life,
Or the children I am meant,
What kind of life would I live?

If I were to live right now,
Take control of myself,
And find out exactly how,
It will all play out for me.

Self reflexions

I once knew a man,
He lived a double life,
In one, the other in can,
Living in constant strife,
Pulled between the two,
Left him with so few,

He walked on a tight rope,
Step by step with balance,
One night he slipped,
And is now food for plants,
The slip, it wrecked her,
The her inside of him,

"How could you hurt me like that?"
"Drinking brings out my demons."
"Why can't you control it?"
"Its for us to control, not just me."
"What do you expect me to do?"
"I will heal you and then we will molt."
"Who do you think we will become?"
"That is past my knowledge, just grow."
"Where should be grow, love?"
"Compassion."

That was the last day,
He ever looked in the mirror.

First practice of Tong-Len

A wise man, talking of the practice of generating compassion towards ones self, said, "it is useful to visualize these sufferings, problems, and difficulties in the form of poisonous substances, dangerous weapons, or terrifying animals-" He was talking of the compassion towards ones self in respect to gaining a larger worldview and of self improvement spiritually.  So this is what I will try to do.

Physical suffering;
When I have pain in my gut, may I see the substance I ingested as a deadly poison,
Derived from the neurotoxin of the serpent that bore the substance.
If my joints ache from dehydration, may I observe the cause of it as a demon,
Whose ugly embrace calls me back with temptation of intoxication.
While feeling soreness of muscle after the gym, may I come to know my ignorance,
The weapon of the unwell, dying, and deceived, that slashes against truth.
When the heat in my room is great, may I come to understand my fortunes,
I have clean water, a place of my own, a private shower, and food to eat.
During times of great nausea, may I contemplate the source and recognize its nature,
As a ravenous shark swimming through my mind, never satisfied, never calm.

Mental suffering;
When I am frustrated with my education, may I step back to see reality,
Frustration here is like being blindfolded while walking through a maze.
At times that things are outside of my comprehensions, may I feel more at ease,
What inflated pride must I have to claim comprehension of everything at once.
While experiencing regression, may I come to find the strength I need within myself,
My latent memories are like a snare trap grasping at every limb of my body.
During times that I am overwhelmed, may I see the true causes of this state,
Where is laziness creeping its poisons into my life that I become so heightened.
When anxiety grips me, may I view it as an opportunity to battle an old enemy,
As my most dangerous enemy, I am grateful for what I have come to learn.

Emotional suffering;
With emotional regression, may I see this an opportunity for great change in life,
For to change this, I must change who my family sees me as, as well as myself.
When dealing with past love, may I observe negative behaviors of mine as poison,
The likes of which, while starting, during, and ending, caused many chances to learn.
At times of loneliness, may I observe my own inability for worldly intimacy, as chains,
They hold my heart back from spreading love and compassion throughout the world.
When anxious about future love, may I see this as a great barrier to my own happiness,
The barrier is high and laid in stone, but confidence in myself tears it right down.
In dealing with death, may I recognize the ignorance of my own perceptions of reality,
The likes of which a meditation on impermanence can quickly eradicate in proof of point.


So this is my first attempt at the practice of Tong-Len.  The wise man continued by saying, "the purpose of visualizing these negative and frightening forms being dissolved into our hearts is to destroy our habitual selfish attitudes that reside there."  -His Holiness the Dalai Lama.

7/19/12

It was like a scene from a movie,
Time was slow and I was alert,
I got us away from the danger,
Just to see it explode violently,

We stood upon a median while,
The rain, it poured mockingly,
Yet refreshing, calming almost,
And how she cried and cried,

I held fast and focused on life,
Making sure we survived this,
And was scolded for it after all,
Who can tell me to die, no one,

Once safe I broke down,
Nausea gripped at my emptiness,
Yet left undefeated and unharmed,
My first car accident, now past.

Tsunami

I notice that that ship has floated,
Piecing together whats left,
And it dreams of its coated,
Drop of what it still has,

Master me O serenity,
Turn me inside out,
Disaster free liquid being,
Tsunami from rain cloud,

I notice that that home is bloated,
Fractured out of its mind,
All hopes left yet emoted,
With death, but its too kind,

Master me O serenity,
Turn me inside out,
Disaster free liquid being,
Tsunami from rain cloud,

I notice that that wave had gloated,
Towering over our head,
To the water, I have been devoted,
Breath in the fluid until your dead,

Master me O serenity,
Turn me inside out,
Disaster free liquid being,
Tsunami from rain cloud.

Toward Stillness

I lay on my familiar bed,
And drop into my thoughts,
The sheet is soft, silky red,
It steals away my fraughts,
Why red, my bed, did find me,
And set my love heart free.

So lay I may, or lay I might,
To sleep or contemplate,
Get lost within thoughts, my blight,
Perhaps it is just by fate,
Whether might or blight, here is rest,
No tension or movement is my test.

No longer just lay to take my place,
Higher consciousness has arrived,
Finally relax the muscles in my face,
A new awareness I have derived,
Now face that place deep within,
A stillness of my mind begin.

To Seek is to Miss

We all seek to be happy,

We all seek that bliss,

Striving on and on,

But this will surely miss.

You can't find happiness,

You can't grasp at calm,

These things are intangible,

They don't sit in your palm.

What we all want's inside,

What we want's already there,

All it takes is awareness,

With discipline it all comes clear.

A Step On The Wheel

Spin the wheel,
Walk on top,
As you must,
Distracted you move,
Drift further on,
Your mind in flux,
Unable to find stillness,
Float your "self",
From thoughts action,
To reintegration and,
On to recontextualization,
Allow this to fill,
Your fleeting will,
Misdirection until,
You realize,
This is no way to live.

Cry

I can't cry, not even for a second,
Pain is deep within, but I can't,
Trying to force it out of me,
Never quite works right inside,

It's still lingering in my dreams,
The thought of what pains me,
Dipping into what I need,
But never comes out clean,

Pleasant thoughts drift,
Out of sight out of thought,
Out of what causes me to be,
And into the abyss of nothing.

7/4/2012

This piece of shit,
Wakes up puking,
Drinks too much,
Forcing his memories,
Up to the bottom,
Fascinated with his,
Dreams of nothing,
Still sick with desires,
And suppression of,
Real and true will,
The self is nothing,
Throwing up the dead,
Passing it on to others,
Wishing they the same,
But just diseased with,
What is consumption,

A Man's Common Problem

"I am just so proud of how your doing,
It is not an easy thing to be done,
You have so much strength in this,
And your integrity flows like water,
You've really taken control of your life,
What you are doing takes discipline,
Courage, disconnection and selfishness,
I am just so proud of what you become,
And I love you."

Demotivation is what this does.
A man is just a man is a man is man,
Why should "achievements" of mine,
Have any connotation good or bad?

Praise of what I cannot otherwise have done,
A disrespect that is intolerable,
Yet explanation of this causes pain,
Which is forbidden to man,

 So is it that we place others,
Emotions ahead of our own?
Man can handle this burden,
Because there is no validity,

In what is said to man!

So where does one start

So where does one start?
The bushes, trees, or meadows,
To find what one ought,
Be lifted from shadows,
Drought!
Panic stricken monkeys,
All tangled and unbound,
With tears that just hang,

So where does one start?
With meditation and sip tea,
To break yourself apart,
Recollect, connect and free,
But dreams,
Plaguing one with love,
Becoming the truly real
Awaking even more depressed,

So where does one start?
Fall into the escape, dear,
Jump on that band cart,
And forsake anything clear,
Death,
That shall grip soul,
Ignorant peons sing,
Finding only what is near.

Zen

The void that fills you,
Emptiness felt, yet unknown,
Peace, life is to live.

6/25/2012

Throwing up again,
Just sick with nerves,
Sleepless and recovering,
It is not what he deserves,
Love comes and goes,
So he keeps walking,
Watching every root,
Shriviling in his decay,
Another round,
Forcing its way up,
Vomit just dripping,
Sticking to the toilet,
And sadness setting in,
So he keeps walking,
Dealing with it,
One day at a time,
Like a man should.

A Very Unhappy Fellow

He buys another drink
Just to waste his life away
Sipping on gin and thinking
Who even wants to live anyways
Finishes and orders another
His addiction gets the better
Gin and juice to heal the soul
Became his motto years ago
Finishes and orders another
Slipping through his night
One gulp at a time, true
Talking to anyone he sees tonight
They pity the animal every time
But they buy one for him
So that he can make the climb
He is crying about his life
His grown children and dying wife
This is how he chooses to live
Just finishes and orders another

Heat

Warmth, radiating from my core,
Like pouring acid into water for Molarity six,
Dripping sweat rips down my back,
Serrated beads that form rivers,
But I still sip my tea, wonder why.

Who I Shall Love

May I tell you who my love will be,
A gentle soul whose force unseen,
Tender and showing in her love of me,
So please let me tell you who my love will be,

May I tell you who my love will be,
An understanding woman, conservative yet free,
Lover of thoughts, poems, music, and philosophy,
So please let me show you who my love will be,

May I show you who my love will be,
Soft eyes and flowing lock, an assumed pedigree,
Shapely yet fit because, health is key,
So please let me show you who my love will be,

May I show you who my love will be,
She will love my parents and all the family,
Start one of our own as we were meant to, see,
So now you know who my love will be.

Tensions

Sometimes I feel so close
So dangerously close
To forsaking all and releasing
Thrashing out, tearing, breaking,
Building that rage every day
The outlashing is inevitable
Like breaking every will
Testament, desire or need
Wrecking the roots of myself
Going lucid and rampant
While this tension tenses
Like twisting the worlds biggest
Rubber band a billion times
Pulling it taught just
And refusing it its own release
Forcing it to hold back
All of its force

A Fine Day

One fine day, as I was strolling,
Young woman came to say, "who's controlling?"
Soft and beautiful is she, I can play,
So this is what I say to she, like clay,

"Who's controlling you ask?
Dr. Rev. Dervant my dear,
What a fine day this is."
And I left her walk past

Turned back to me said she,
"Dr. Rev. Dervant? Who is he?"
I decided to explain it very clear,
"He is the one controlling you see."

Perplexed her tender face stares,
"That makes no sense so who cares."
Looking deep into her pool blue eyese,
I say, "He decided who lives or dies."

Taking a deepened breath....

6/20/2012

Inhale the cool dry winds
Feel it send icicles to your lungs
Calming expulsion traces out
Warmth from within my cloud
Intake again friend with focus

The Last Poem About You

This is the last poem I will ever write about you,
Every poem before this that has been about you,
Retracted from me all poems written about you,
Each one, joyeux or tres mauvais, it is not important,
So read this, cry every time, because you too,
And no it was love, so cry just one time.

Your kiss still upon my lips sweet lamb,
Even your hug still lingers on my chest, sweet lamb,
Unsung is my love and why i had to do this,
Near to my heart, sweet lamb, i hold you dear,
Grant me forgiveness for the suffering i caused.

Hold

Hold it deep within, That's right young child,
Hold that pain until your heart will burst,
Let your critical self slash out contained,
Cutting up what you have built internally,
Burning it down and spitting on the ash,
The tears nourish the growing cancer,
Don't let them out or soul shall be claimed,
That's right, very good, feed the disease,
In or out it spreads as mold on decomposition,

"I love her, yet must let her go, for the good of us both,
I will build up a wall and seal off the memory of,
Bury it like a toxic waste I wish to bathe in daily,
But I love her!, And so this cross I must bare,
I can only hope that she can find strength,
For her burden is much for, but not I, survived,
But knowing that this is what must be done,
Gives comfort in the eyes of everyone observing,
Yet is not a supportive knowledge for the suffering."

So hold it deep within young child, that's right,
Bury it into the depth of what you conceive,
And do not allow this memory a true fight,
For a sense of calmness is yet to receive.

6/11/12

Pressed against soft tickled tender touches,
That sickle scythe tone rakes my flesh,
Crying hysterically inside my cold heart,
To her a refractory response rests beside,
Look into that mirror dear once beloved,
See what might find you there in thought,

"Hear O deer,
one to rear,
pleasure no fear,
you lost sheep"

Said the sloth faced introspective zealot,
Wincing and wading through turmoil,
And slithering face down through slick mud,
Over obsidian shards changing the face,
Scars skitter on top of the flesh and thud,
Personality? Character? What is that in life,

"Get the fuck up you lazy mother fucker!, Who told you it was time for rest?, Who said you deserved the smallest semblance of comfort?, Or the gentle love of a flowery femme fatale?

To master the masculine art of musk,
The resolution to which must make men,
Mutton for meals masks the pain marked,
March on young man for mastication,
It does make for a fat boy mutilated,
Self critic masochistic mode forms molds. 

This week so far

This week I have been trying a new diet which is meant to detoxify my body and my mind.  I have been eating only rice, eggs, and a multivitamin.  I have been drinking only water and tea. I started doing stretches morning and night, and swimming when my schedule allows.  I have also been working 11 hours 3 days a week and 7.5 hours the other 2 days.  I have been taking bathes at night and reading "Beyond the Limits of Thought" by Graham Priest while bathing.  I have also been trying to remain centered and focused for as much of my work day as I can.  Just before I sleep I get into a meditative state by being mindful of my my breathing.  Every night I have woken up between 2:29 a.m. and 2:34 a.m. because of the interruption of this meditative state.  I will continue this lifestyle for at least the rest of the week as best I can.

I have been feeling much calmer than usual.  Last night I gave good insights into an issue between one of my supervisors and another employee.  I felt a noticeable difference in the thickness of the fat on my midsection, which is very likely due to the low caloric intake I have had this week.  Meditative state is easier for me to attain that it has been in the past weeks, and I feel well rested when I wake up in the middle of the night.  I still sleep the rest of the night though because I like the extra rest.  I have also been able to observe the beauty of the world more easily this week.  I look forward to any more benefits that this change in lifestyle may bring to me, and I won't be disappointed if the benefits stay as they are.  I feel much better physically that I have in a while and more centered than ever in my life.

Peace,
ShaneWolff

6/5/12

Simplicity mine,
Just rice and eggs in my fridge,
Two blankets to sleep


Wrecked and raked is she,
Mutilated from past love,
Will I love again


Punishment warm pain,
Trees and grass still grow in time,
But with blood red leaves

On Calmness

My meditation ends gently,
Unable to move limbs,
Pulsating heart pumps,
Thick unforgiven blood,
The breath unforgiving,
Vibrations of my soul,
Rhythm with heart and lung,
Calmness, a cold mans game,
But the antithesis a,
Mistress who anticipates,
This blackened charcoal board eats away at the core like a termite about to bore through soul that I tore!
And the door,
Seeking that calmness,
Grows cold as my home in December.

Haiku attempt 1

My dear desert friend,
How's love truly a fiend's game,
When words are lost, love.


Dream of our lives now,
Dreariness consumes it all,
This must end gently.


Winter my mistress,
Why did you not stay so long,
I miss your cold winds.


People walking tall,
Living with fear at their core,
Why'd you live at all.


The heart screams cold blood,
The mind paddles through the flood,
Soul flowering bud.

5/30/2012

Clarity. focused, pure clarity.
The truth, the good, what's right.
How can clarity bring such pain,
Driven down to spring from vein,
Alas I never had a true claim,
So I must severe this poison reign,

Clarity. vain, cliche clarity.
Suspect of truth and righteousness.
Whetted for a real chance again,
This cozen dilemma chosen zen,
Disrupted the track taken then,
 And I find myself viewing another when,

5/9/12

What if the world you have built is forced,
And the pearl you have protected is gone,
It's reality that can't be endorsed,
That brings suffering and pain each dawn.
 What if your cries are not heard by lambs,
And your world can't be accepted for all,
You press on best you can but miss exams,
Those cries will cause your world to fall, again.
 Now what if you had the chance to leave,
To feel nothing and escape with all limbs,
That forced world would fall beyond retrieve,
And soul for days would sing in hymns, again.

Followed in Tears

She has that vacant stare again
The one that brings me to tears
And divides the pairs in pain

Drifting softly in shallow thought
To repetitively flow in this beat
Nightmare to defeat and fraught

This diamond shines no more
But yet drips within the digestion
One final suggestion at the core

Those tears that are crawling
Down my now shattered face
Came from fears of our brawling
That never left their case

An Unforgotten Event

I have woken up in this room before,
Encased in a thin sticky membrane,
Sitting up slightly I glimpse the door,
It's solid oak with a flawless grain,

The walls of stone are a cold winter rain,
I toss my legs off one side of my crypt,
Singing softly asking what's left to gain,
From the darkened ceiling a tear drop dripped,

Caught it in hand just as heart skipped,
Standing to face the exit legs are weak,
Take the first step and feel what ripped,
Soul still lies there waiting to speak,

The tear I caught now runs down my cheek,
Apparition says, "You Killed The One You Love,
Now What Have You Left Yet To Seek?"
Responding, "nothing is left, now void of,

all that i no longer can claim to belove,
has gone from me through my own fault,"

A Strategy Game

Trembling beneath is a soluble motion,
Trickling down softly under if further,
Teasing the needer with subtle deception,
Trenching he, depicting it as a feather.

"My nausea is getting worse," needer complains,
"My cozen nausea!" needer exclaims,
"My perscribed nausea?" needer questions,
"My vile disruptive nausea." needer states.

Whipping around in definitive manners,
Whistles the blown fortress of needer,
Waters calm, yet drowning of planners,
Why my eye, fly in the face of feeder.

Save me now needer, you're the only one left,
Defensive although not considered defending,
Cry out! Sing for this is my only life,
And I am not sure why we just keep pretending.

Untitled for now

I am the fool from Paul's hill,
Descending from it in question,
No longer will I be still,
Although this stance my passion,

Round and Round I continue to go,
Dismantling what is once believed,
Never interrupting silent flow,
And still I will not be deceived,

Drowning after leaving that hill,
I give heed to no ones suggestion,
Even unconscious aspects I kill,
Leaving only conscious discussion,

Seemingly it seems I find a new low,
Situations arise where I can conceive,
And yet I find it difficult, just show,
This tension is all I must relieve.

To Dance with Demons

The Solemn notion of the importance of appreciation steeps,
Pity, pity, pity, is that what we Have been relegated too?
Sitting on that high-And who is really running this show,
Or is it even of any real importance, Now is our time to go,
In peeps, the children Elate, the clay drops fall through,

"Lau Sam-Ho", of good Will and kind of heart, now in fear,
Why must those Of truth, hurt indefinitely due to examples?
Those who are examples fail, Lacking the perspective needed,
Make an instance and Forever drift further from whats real,
And if not, Flourish through the despair of dreaming on and on.

The Ghosts of the Ancestors

Drifting off to sleep, our dreams are safe,
That nausea comes back just as we close our eyes,
Down, Down, Down, into the depths of our soul,
Reaching out for the destination, it crawls away,
Submerging our hides in the liquidity of the dream,
Sticky and dark, perish we may, but not for us to tell,
Give of ourselves to take on the demons of correxion,

Running, ducking, leaping, killing.

This beast controls what we used to be to each other,
Many forms and functions, almost an ecosystem itself,
We cut and tear through pain the enemy has caused,
They are shadows of past transgressions come alive,
Slicing and ripping apart the skulls of the specter,
Claiming them as trophies, but the rest are angered,
Surrounded, we stand our ground and brace for attack,

Awakened by confrontation, its a snap back to reality?