3/22/15

The nature of humans being good, bad, both, neither.  Valuation of individuals based on presumption and superficial characteristics.  Inherent worth and understanding not implied upon conceptualization of another.  How can our nature be that of selfishness.  Misunderstandings of Neo-Darwinian pseudo-economists perpetuating systemic oppression on the basis of all demographics else white upper middle class males. To really cause change. What must be done.  I wish only to live in a world where people are honest, willing to grow as a person, open to novelty, and willing to abandon any assumptions proven false or obsolete.

3/3/15

The wounding rift of her insecurity, prescribed by my inattentive self preservative tendencies, has begun to experience healing in flux but is predetermined by the ability of my own emotions to self coagulate.

Frigid ignorance, causing the crystallization of an ill informed vector, to be as a frothy snow upon the majesty and magnificence of the vast taiga that was discovered to be her understandings.

I had a friend tell me that I should write for a living, I had my partner tell me that I should teach for a living, I had my family tell me to work a respectable profession for a living, I must tell myself to be happy for a living and do all I can to radiate good vibrations to all I interact with.  How can I best serve my fellow man? How can I pass on my understandings to positively affect change for the future?

More to come.

2/25/15

A man must fail an additional 100 times,
Simply to understand why he failed the first.
A genius is a man who can in 99.

But if I was so dumb, I'd need 101,
Well, goddamn, that'd be just fine.

The twist.

Sweet kiss of winters wisp,
Thinking their would be a reason,
As I float through the amniotic pill,
When a fish swallows a hook too deeply, instinctual,
The winds know of what I do with her,
Caustic prevention,
What tree grew them,

Where was this organism,
Sapping away my heart slowly,
Even one thing to keep me from acting,
That for a time was a blessing,
The guts come bursting forth without any shame,
While there, a cool breeze tickles,
Nihilistic salvation,

Realist iconization,
The nourishment of it,
My heart belongs to another,
From professing my love to you.
The puss-oozing shattered heart,
Staring into my pooling tears a gentle I Love You,
As a reminder that Winter is still to come.

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2/18/15

How is it that we come to love someone outside of ourselves before we even know if we can love ourselves? I have been in a relationship with my wife for just over 2 years now and have discovered new depths of love that I never before had any inclination existed within human capacity.  She has shown me how and why she loves me every day since we started on our journey and yet I feel there is a deeper love that is growing every day.  I thought myself to be of a stable and constant function with direction and purpose fueled by an understanding of compassion and love, only to be daily schooled in the emotional arts.  Still I feel a near total lack of understanding of how to express my own emotions and to communicate how and why I feel the way I do.  The poetry of my life has been absent for quite some time because it was always rooted in a wallowing within my own self pity and a deranged relationship with the remainder of humanity.  I have been shown and made to feel love in this new and exciting way and it has forced me to face the facts of the previous statement and to analyze where these feelings come from and why I have allowed them to be the prime current of my creative thought for the majority of my life.  I feel things in my life changing through conscious effort of my own and of my loving partner, things that display love for her and for myself in ways I had previously rejected on false premise and self exclusion.  I have the desire to show her my love and my new found understanding of life but yet lack the ability to communicate it in a way that I can agree with, else I find myself weeping and absent of any cognitive ability and it is only to her face that I fear I cannot disrobe my inner self without being in that state.  I am trying to become better at communicating how I feel to her, and about her, but I find myself with constant excuse though none are adequate.  I must discover what is the primary cause of my anxieties and fully explore the intricacies of their irrationality in order to reconcile with them and to finally put them to rest with the respect that they deserve for having guided me so far into this life.

More to come.

2-11-15

Do not allow my lack of communication to become a trickling stream that carves a canyon through the bedrock of your security, for I will predicate my own sicknesses onto the stratification that you have organized as your firm and justified pillars of the good life.

More to come.

2/9/15

When I was a child before I started school I used to love hearing my sisters practice piano and to listen to my dad play as he does most days.  I was so excited to start going to school because that meant that I too could begin my lessons playing piano and I too would begin to be able to create things in the same realm as the people who were most important to me.  I would go with my mom to pick up my sisters from their lesson from the teachers home who lived just down the road from our house.  She was an elderly lady with full on gray hair and the classic big round glasses on her wrinkled face.  She would give me pieces of candy whenever I would come to visit.  This gave me even more of a reason to want to start going to lessons of my own.  I was so eager and so ready to learn.  The first few years were good and I learned a lot of basics though I realized early that I never had too great of a potential for the craft.  I also had troubles following the music with my eyes and translating what I saw into the appropriate finger movements.  It seemed as if the teacher took this as a personal slight at some point and this began a very rocky and almost abusive relationship between student and teacher.  I felt inadequate and was quickly overwhelmed by the expectation that I would progress as fast or faster than my sisters.  My teacher became very critical of my performance during lessons and it really gave me a bitter feeling during my practice time at home.  I became lax in my practicing efforts which only exacerbated the negative feelings I was having about my performance.  This was very noticeable to the teacher but instead of nurturing and trying to help me grow she began calling me things like worthless, pathetic, and awful, in regards to my playing, but I took this as an extension of who I was and my value as a person.  I would often come back from practice crying and for three years I begged my parents to allow me to quit playing but for some reason they did not take me seriously or believe what I told them of my experience.  I was being openly ridiculed and made to feel worthless in a space that was meant to be that of growth and development.  I was at the end of what I felt I could bare so I asked my dad to come with me to a lesson and just sit outside in the waiting area so she would not know that he was there.  He was shocked and almost revolted by my teachers behavior and that was the last time I had a piano lesson.  I had such a feeling of relief and almost felt as if I had broken off a piece of what was dragging me down.  At the time I was not aware of the damage that prolonging my suffering would do to my psyche nor was I aware of the great amount of self awareness that I would be able to develop through further trials and struggles with women who had a similar pattern to her behaviors.  This experience is not something that I feel bad about any longer because I can recognize that I would not have such a meaningful life today had I not had undergone such suffering.  This experience as a child helped to craft the type of woman I would look for to be my wife and life partner which in its own right led me to other types of suffering and experiences that are still paying off today.   It truly is amazing how things can come full circle if you maintain a good perspective and search for the happiness in all things.  

More to come.