How is it that we come to love someone outside of ourselves before we even know if we can love ourselves? I have been in a relationship with my wife for just over 2 years now and have discovered new depths of love that I never before had any inclination existed within human capacity. She has shown me how and why she loves me every day since we started on our journey and yet I feel there is a deeper love that is growing every day. I thought myself to be of a stable and constant function with direction and purpose fueled by an understanding of compassion and love, only to be daily schooled in the emotional arts. Still I feel a near total lack of understanding of how to express my own emotions and to communicate how and why I feel the way I do. The poetry of my life has been absent for quite some time because it was always rooted in a wallowing within my own self pity and a deranged relationship with the remainder of humanity. I have been shown and made to feel love in this new and exciting way and it has forced me to face the facts of the previous statement and to analyze where these feelings come from and why I have allowed them to be the prime current of my creative thought for the majority of my life. I feel things in my life changing through conscious effort of my own and of my loving partner, things that display love for her and for myself in ways I had previously rejected on false premise and self exclusion. I have the desire to show her my love and my new found understanding of life but yet lack the ability to communicate it in a way that I can agree with, else I find myself weeping and absent of any cognitive ability and it is only to her face that I fear I cannot disrobe my inner self without being in that state. I am trying to become better at communicating how I feel to her, and about her, but I find myself with constant excuse though none are adequate. I must discover what is the primary cause of my anxieties and fully explore the intricacies of their irrationality in order to reconcile with them and to finally put them to rest with the respect that they deserve for having guided me so far into this life.
More to come.
No comments:
Post a Comment