Marq11

I am just a shell of the man I wish I could be. Damaged and defiled. Not even a shell, a shadow of the shell of what I wish I was. It seems that I mess up in every aspect of my life and that really is a killer of self esteem. This circular viciousness has no end accept for death. Seeing as I am unwilling and unable to kill myself, I must live in pain and suffer for what I have done in a past life. These dry tears that I cannot cry are a symbol of the pain that I have caused and received. The only tears I feel really can comfort me are those cried in blood. I haven't felt normal for the past few days now and I'm starting to get worried. Worried because my normal feeling is severe depression and anxiety, now I feel these even more so and on top of that I feel like I'm only viewing life through a haze of pseudo feelings. I have almost lost my entire sex drive. The only person who reverses that for me I feel doesn't even find me attractive. I try so hard to make her happy, to help her not be stressed out, to give her anything she needs, but the physical connexion doesn't come. What would anyone have me do in this situation. Sometimes I feel like I give the whole of myself to things in my life and end up disappointed or rejected. I am just another person that you pass on the sidewalks of the city you wish you could escape. A nobody. Until you look into my eyes and see the pain I feel. It makes you reexamine how you feel about your life and gives you a positive perspective. Only problem is that the only other person that ever helped me in that way now goes to school over four hours away and I miss him almost every day. I wish I wasn't a shadow of a shell of a human. The only thing I have to live for is my family. I have no beast companions, hardly a serious attempt at a life partner, and almost every friend I've made in the last year would find it painful to even have lunch with me, regardless if it would make my day or not. So I drink to you and your happiness. May you live forever in bliss without having to see the pain of those around you. Don't even dare have pity on people like me or do stupid awareness days because honestly that makes me feel even more shitty that normal.