Fear is a great motivator of people, it can move them to greatness or cripple them when they need be strong. I have always felt as though I lacked fear in the sense that I have seen most others display the emotion which had led me as a child to understand that I had no fears. This was a cleaver defense of the ego and a classic strategy that I have noticed of myself. It is true that I lack the very obvious phobias of others, which are more pathological types of fear, but the next premise I told myself was not true at all. Phobias are not the only type of fear and by cutting off that area of my emotion when I over intellectualize I cut off the potential to understand myself more thoroughly.
I have stumbled upon a very useful graphic through Reddit and will be using it as a guide for myself to know myself more clearly.
http://i.imgur.com/3X6858r.jpg
There were many times during my childhood where I was ridiculed and poked at by my peers as many people who were children can likely empathize with. The things I was typically picked on for were my height and athletic ability. The name given to me was Half Pint. Though now this seems almost comical, back when I was younger this name hurt and I was embarrassed by this disrespect. The feeling of disrespect is one that I know I do not deal with how I feel it should be. There are many times I feel disrespected in my adult life that are still sometimes ongoing. I often feel disrespect from coworkers due to my being a young employee with relatively little experience. This is not something that I want to have a reaction to because I know that there is nothing I can do but continue to work in order to get the experience I need to alleviate this tension. The reaction I often have when feeling disrespected at work is to deflect and become aggressively revengeful but limited to words. I often talk poorly of those I have felt disrespected by in an attempt to project the manifestation of my own feeling of alienation, due to my lack of experience, onto whom ever is the perpetrator of the disrespect. I have even gone so far as to verbalize a desire to "catch" someone in order to aid in their dismissal from the companies employment. This is a deplorable thought much less an actual thing to be said about another human being. This is the ultimate in projection of alienation that I have been able to decipher from my own actions in recent times. The feeling of rejection is a very sneaky emotion. It is one that presents itself immediately but not really very clearly all the time due to there being a variety of types of rejection. The fear of rejection that I have had in my life is due mostly to my past history of marijuana use and with my decision on what to study in college. I knew quite early on in my college career that I did not want to continue on the path of education I was set on, but at least partially because of my fear of rejection I maintained my direction and graduated with a degree in Clinical Laboratory Sciences. I feared being rejected by my immediate family and extended family. I feared that my parents would not agree with the decision and that they would think I was a waste, a loser, a drain, or an embarrassment on them. In my fear I could not proceed with my own dreams and desires. The what could have beens are worth nothing because I have let my fear conquer me in a period of time where my direction has become more crystallized. This is not to say that I am unhappy about other events that have taken place because of being crippled in this fashion, but simply that I feel as if I did not choose it completely of my own freedom from fears.
More to come.
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