How did I get here

I don't remember what I was doing here,
Sitting in a car with my sister and mother,
Pull from-I discover somethings wrong,
My sister, my dear sister, whats happened?
She is crying while I drive to her house,
That's not really her house, but we go in,
A conversation ensues and I find out abuse,
"He has beaten her!" My mother says,
Just as my brother-in-law walks inside,
But it doesn't really seem like him,
Something is off-she runs up the stairs,
Screaming, but I follow her all the same,
She leaps onto the bed, weeping she says,
"Nothings the matter, I deserved what I got"
I noticed that it wasn't her anymore,
And she is making small cuts on her torso,
Using a blade dulled from too much use,
I hold her down and prevent her cutting more,
Asking her what the hell she thinks she is doing,
She tries to lie but I see right through it,
In response to her lies I respond back in fluid,
"Don't give me that bullshit, I used to cut too"
Awe and shock overcome me and I let her go
We are the same person, but she was suppressed,
I have denied my emotions and with it her,
She dissolves into me and I am left alone,
The universe disappears into a white unknown,
And then, I woke up.

Judas of Expectation

He walks down the trenched sidewalks
Twirling his knives inside his head
Slashing out at whoever looks at
Duck faced pacing mind wanderings

This is his curse and blessing
A cliche in tandem with strife of life
Marvelous striped drippings sickly


I saw him twitch once, wonderful sight
The dress he bore, stripped, peculiar
He seemed anxious like a prey animal
Old soul and diseased, a prime target
Although seemingly aware, still weak
He drowned in his sleep dreaming awake
And sings of a time when things were simple
His posture was poor, degraded spine
Protruding scapulae and drinking wine
It seems like the drink gives him
That which he cannot grasp for sober

Inside my mind these things make sense
But to common onlooker, not worth pence
Judge me, enslave me, my mind is mine
Contained within it imagine all fine
Rape me brutally I'll still stand tall
Might of will can never truly fall

Save us, we are drowning

To dissolve into a stranger
Or view yourself from across the room
What inside splits into sections
Filtering of the soul never comes to soon

The Mass of it all.

By mass, triumphant in glory
But in colors, really quite boring
Grey and soaring over others
Traveling together led by mothers
Long hovers the tusks, ivory
Through distance gone, never smiley
Not climbing, to large by mass is he
And in musk, such sexuality is seen
Such it be, esteemed by royalty

True Self explored

Embarrassed of my true self
I'm bound to all I've experienced
As evidence of who I am
Most of which could have been avoided
Through the careful examination
Of my immunities and mentors

Bound by things internal and ex
Am I even as perceived by myself
By feeling of spiritual interconnection
Through signs habitually suppressed
People influencing unaware, defect and autoimmune

And how do I establish personhood
That I have so lacked lifelong
Through ignorance of my insignificant needs
Hormonal suppressant, allergic and unwell

Yet crave with my Being
Through deepened understanding
Feeling sick, fauna and flora

Through happiness achieved
Embarrassed of my true self.

Glimpse

One dark eye...
Fierce as night-
Mares drifting on,
On-e On-e.
Staring through you sir.
That dark eye
If it can cry

The Mechanistic

If left to design my own reality
With my underdeveloped sense of truth
It's a lie told to myself that in fact
Deconstructs all of previously learned

The path through to happiness
To give up my devices!
Digest my burdens and excrete them
Slow down and enjoy myself in life.

Do you think that I am strong enough?
Or is it more about consistency?
Do you think that I am strong enough?
Or is it more openmindedness?

This life makes you look like a monster
Captivating you totally and blinding to all
Disgusting swine, your worse than over
Pick yourself up and get the fuck out

Bloodied Rose

Smell those sweet roses.
They look as if bloodies,
damaged and abused.
How sweet the roses.
They tell me not to touch,
to save me from themself.
Those roses are so sweet.
And to love a rose is,
To forgive its misdeeds.
To love me is the same

But to love you, is opposite
You won no thorns of words
Nor possess the fragility of heart
How right it is to love you
My dear little lamb
You stand with me til we die
And right all the wrong
Contained in my past
With the kisses you offer
As soft as a rose.

A Short Play of Thought

Act 1: Optimism

Love in growth is beauty
A beauty that maintains itself
A beauty that is seen by all
It's a living dream for men
These dreams make humanity

Act 2: Pessimism

Love in stasis is detriment
A cause for alarm and thought
Clear to all outside of itself
Its a living nightmare of men
Which dilute the true humanity

Thomas the Blue

Contained by an unstoppable force of reason
Elder of the ages at your fingertips
You become entangled within yourself
Your mind an intellectual battleground
Duality may develop and stew within you
One angel to put a final push
By the age of 30 your death was signed
Not through the two previous to I
But because it was sacred to your God
Born to you to force you to change
Your angel there the whole time
And now who thought you sacred
Has discovered your mortality
In my nature I deny the killing of thee
But know that I know and that i know

A Path

Cold metal, my skin hit by autumn rains,
Warrior in stature but lacking his emptiness,
My weapons are unseen being those of the mind,
But the trap of me damages most of all,
Yet it is reserved for those who care most.
I am a burden that no one should have,
Weight undeserved upon the pack,
Tickling and chatter mask my core,
Entrenched between expectation and reality,
And all they see is supposed growth.
Am I a plant to be watered and harvested,
Or simply being tricked out of nature,
Do I pose a threat to the beliefs of others,
In possession of something unattainable,
Should I self orient or be directed by not I?

Babe

i intentionally subconsciously miss my cue,
babe, i love you more than life itself,
because i have never felt more alive!
honey, my sweet little lamb, my dear,

Dost thou have reciprocal love for me?
I feel it everyday, my sweet Teresa!
Every moment I am without you,
I wish you were here
You give my life happiness,
of the kind i've never felt......
you have drawn the strength from me
Strength that i knew i had, but never gave

My dear little lamb,
You are so simple and easy
but yet, you are complex and intriguing

In almost tears, i wish i can just be with you
my dearest sweet teresa, if you only knew
the love i have in store for you!

My babe,

My Dear Little Lamb

My dear little lamb why do you graze where you do?
The hill you feed on is one of inherent contradiction.
Is that grass neutritious for you? Keeps you grounded?
I can't eat that grass my dear little lamb for its poison.

My dear little lamb why do you migrate the way you do?
Your hill is steep and unforgiving, its no home for you.
Do you need to keep a connexion with ridged things, dear?
The cliffs will certainly kill me shall I fall off your hill.

My dear little lamb why do you speak that tone as you do?
Its alienating and oppressive, although your not aware.
Does it keep you from Being vulnerable as you wish to be?
There can be no love between us if this persists always.

My dear little lamb can we meet in the valley sometime?
The hills are preventing us from blossoming beautifully.
We both belong to death, so why can't we enjoy life?
And have this short time to feel what it is to be.

The Hallways

I'm walking ever so carefully down a fully loaded hallway
Dreams of moon drippings slipping through my toes like mud
The diamond that's stuck in my eye scratches a bit but don't
I can feel every step I take driving nails deeper and deeper in
And the core of my being osculating like a yolk inside an egg
It feels like I stub a different toe with the next step, but not

I'm lost in these hallways, mutilating myself unintentionally
My existence is within these walls, confined and weeping daily
Deeper in I withdraw, whirling inside myself to attempt an escape
To retreat from the demons of this life that provoke me deeper
I should have stuck to my roots, my place of strength, my home
Yet here I am, springing down the depths of an impossible reality

Its dark, but I only realize this through my memories of cartoon life
My yolk is leaking out a bit as I lose my mind through dreams
Taking over my being, they prevent my circadian from self actualization
With the moon as my only stability, it drives me like a machine
This is what I am subject too? this cannot be what life is meant to be
What existence is, and if it is, then I want no part of this life

A ray of light blinds me, it burns as I havn't seen light in years
Creaking of a enormous door, materialized while I least expect it
She pushes it in, provoking me to step out, and I am willing
My strength through this life is now summoned from my soul to act
Trials of integrity, like adrenaline, boosts my natural virgin reality
To have this drawn from me, the feeling unreal, is to love

Thoughts from 8/7/11

It was the kind of day where you stub the same toe what seems like a hundred times. I had a cold chill that i couldnt shake off and a blue spot on my heart. Sitting alone for 44.4 minutes, i contemplated the value of modern existence. I held my breathe to prevent my weeping from the implications of what it ment for my own life. "Humans are not supposed to live this way." I say to myself. The constant reinforcement and following beating for the same action. Leaving me in a perpetual state of confusion, depressed about how life is these days. To what higher level can i attain? To what level am i imagining this? To what extent do i just want a more purposeful life to be the norm? Crying silently to myself, aided only by Floyd, I drift through thoughts and conclude that the only way to be happy is to love. For love is the great distracter of everything else that is shitty in this world.

6/13/11

I am a nothing. Hollow as decayed tree. Spongy insides that crumble. Diseased past formal recognition. I am broken inside. I am not stable.

Whisking winds dribble past my frame and wash away all that's left. Particles of who I once was set adrift on the cold northern winds that once gave me the only comfort I knew. The only truth that can be true, awareness of self existence. Breezes come and go, tearing part by part the matter I was.

To bleed is beautiful. Liquid red velvet drips. Scarlet life drains out. I used to cut. I needed to feel. Raging river of heme. Pouring out my tears.

The release attained by self mutilation cannot be sustained or achieved by anything else. Once you grip the emotion you never let it go. The layers of self created by letting can plague you by resurfacing. Yet its poison because you never quite get what you need from it, forcing you to cut again. and again.

To trigger uncontrolled again. Thy tears yet fall. No cure set stable. Thoughts can save me. Thoughts can kill me. Elegant despair refrained actions. I cannot smile alone.

Retrain

Rretrain tthe brain to just react
Uninhibited from experiences past
Within a developed sense of self
And a realization of real world reality...
Rretrain tthe brain to accept
Rather than except in singularities
Disregard unreasonable justification
If you do, you do, If you don't, you don't
Rretrain tthe brain for proper life
Experiential in nature and exciting
Prone to variation and novelty
To dwell no upon the self but others
Rrretrain ttthe brain to live.

The Rescue

Stuckkkkkk in flux adrift on a seasalted log
Waves lick on the cracked dri skin
Vastness overwhelms and allies upon itself
Pondering the consumption of yours truly
The overall plot has an untested depth
Possibly a complexity that is incomprehensible
I sttutuuuter with a lack of confidence
Just wreaking of low self esteem.
Yet totally unaware of the fact
A single dingy of a weathered yellow hue
Rocking slowly towards me as a refuge!
Withered olde man, grey in face, hello
Reach to lift me from my log-ed fate
Grasp with all my might, all my soul
With a whispery transparent voice he calls,
"Wake up, you are in a dream, we miss you"

Adult Birth

Fetus in a womb, suspended in fluid
My own tank of prenatal thoughts
To be birthed into life I must sacrifice
Most the ideas I have been marinating in
Birth brings growth, and growth understanding
With understanding comes knowledge
Then hopefully happiness will follow
So to forsake my prior beliefs
I risk giving up all I have but in return
May end up gaining what I desire
This condition of humanity is gross
Covering all beings, most still in the dark
Plague of ignorance that is rotting our souls
And aborting the minds of the great underdeveloped
If I even speak one word of the truth
My soul shall be satisfied,
At least I know how to speak then.
Most cannot even understand what is said
Or even recognize they are being spoken to
So I'm set for birth, bursting forth with vigor
Perhaps I would enjoy steeping in the fluid a bit
Just so I remember the comfort of previous
Eventually I must chew the umbilical cord
And crawl away a true individual ready to grow

Coffeehouseseat

Twistest the twigs of branched shrub
Dripps of water hange from
Since le rain de after dawn
Life buddeding through its tips
Anti-blanched from tension l'eau
Ode to moss of the arbor grown
Always a companions life to it
Lets, the dropping drovided a wind
Blown northern breeze for the fall
Grips untill freeze, n'er to arrive

Alas, days pasts, plants lasts
Bright with sunbeams drip
Tis a fluids all its own
Dries and dried like fruit
Still succulent and life given
Groundd anti-whetted and forgotten
Wishes for moon streamed existence
Seen in the last bits of snow allowed
Family to familiar felt, melt
Added final, a connexion completed

Plants

Fresh plants seep through old soil
Green tips poking past all burden
The seeds of parents last long
Its only once we grow through
Above all the dirt weight above
WE finally see the light of day
And grow as our own like plants
Anchor to the hardships of life above ground
We are more like plants than assumed
Now decide what type of plant
You wish to be

Marq2.17

The gift of another felt
Given all desires without told
Expectations only dreamed
Natural from femme thought

Non-responsive

Hear all, then forget on the immediate,
To know the true way but choose the deviate.
Carnal dreams more real then perception,
Within fractal I begin the association.
Fantasy of practical self improvement,
Under which I drown within allurement.
Choked I have become glued to elective,
I fear that I have become, non-responsive.

Love

Love is the quest to see through their eyes
To assist in recovery that lets past dies
Become the tool that corrects all lies
And is always supportive when soul cries

Marq2.16

Theres a kiwi lodged in my throat
It's whole and uncut but taste is everywhere
Prickling my tonsils and scratching
Focus on fruit and journeys make themselves
As last inside the safety of the elevator
Dimensions grow and morph in my ride
Awkward silence

I'm overwhelmed by the waves
Floating in the violent waters
Crashes on my head and drowning
I accept my fate and sink down deep
The water spirit greets me unconsciously
"Do not fear, balance will come."
My mouth is nonexistent and my voice unheard.
"Your in the dream world my child"
"I am here to guide your soul"
She is the most beautifully fluid being
Rich blue with flowing hair, misted eyes

I awake on a beach, soaked
Trees to my left and a rock outcrop ahead
Seeing my goal at the rocks I get up and head over

Momentarily I snap back and sit
Reality becomes data, numerical and disintegrating
Plotting themselves, graph forms and rotates
Peaks form vesicles and are emitted as energy
Transformed through a converter to motion
Motion uncaptured because I'm past it
Incompatible with energy converted

My new connexion to that of a fourth
Redirected to my soul animal, crab
Four spirit joints, intakes of energy
I see the moon outside and it takes me

I'm back on the beach with her
Laying on the rocks and relaxing
Grip her arm and I start my journey
Injecting my soul into her for exploration
My will straps her down and questions
Interrogating her soul inside her own mind
Shes on a table incapacitated
I strip her mind and dislike what I see
Retreat back to my mind, allowing hers to follow
I am stronger than her and control the penetration
Finishing my experiment, we awake as cookie cuttered

We're on the beach again, safe
The sand gives way to a Wisconsin prairie
This is where I can see her aura
A light purple with pink circles
These circles erupt with white disease

Trying to ease my being
She grips me in a mothering way
I'm taken back to good days
And I feel cared for.
I know its a falsehood though

Marq2.15

I am suddenly perched upon a glacier
Bitter wind blowing, I feel the earth rotating
From this view I can be more insightful
Swap back to the car
The girl next to me
She is a monstrous witch
With gorilla hands and wispy aura
I can see her personality
Can feel it's no fit for me
Next thing I know, I'm in a video game
Driving around a virtual world
We park and naturally look up
Searching for the moon in the night
It's a guide for the soul
A boost of confidence for the nightly soul
Not finding it I subject myself
The reality turns to origami on me
I dodge the paper cuts with ease
Over a thousand miles
Sustaining mere scratches
The absence of the moon noticed
Allows me to be more cynical
To make the choices I must to survive
I have a connexion to the moon
One that is sacred and immortal
The guiding spirit of the night
She is fluid and up for interpretation
My love for her is personal
Like another parent that has phases
Drifting in and out
Teasing me to become self sufficient
Spirit help me to live in the right
To think as you would and love
I am the shaman of the moon
I do her bidding like a puppet

Marq2.14

It's like wearing inline skates on a roller coaster beam
Loosing balance all the same
Then I take a trip to the moon
Strolling around, dodging the craters
Light and agile I seem to float
Then I'm called by my governing body
To return to my center without abrasion
Focused I enter my temporary home
Elemental earth overcomes me
I am a strong oak tree, animated
I feel the breeze through my leaves
Soft and elegant the wind touches me
This feeling transitions into realization
The moon as earth and sun as fire
Circles of a yin yang
Moon with water and sun with air
My natural tenancy to the Earth and Water
Moon calms me, gives me security
Allows a new type of sense internally
Sense of auras that I have tasted before
Never as definite but insightful
The complexity of those around me
Manifests itself as radiant colors and lines

Marq2.13

Sunk deep inside I hide feelings of fear
That I am not enough.
Banished to be alone all of my dayz
Down the vortex, swirling
I become fluid and loose
Twisted and contorted
Until I smash into the depth
Surrounded in darkness, but aware of where i've been
A puddle on the ground
Life breathes into me
Tapping to a new rhythm
My animal form takes a crab
Mathematical in nature, but lacking
Morph me into an octopus
Its more malleable this way
My form makes a basin
From which feet arise
Out of the water her form emerges
Stuck at the end
Meditation to release
Glowing bright in focus
Once complete we dance naked
A romantic embrace

Marq2.12

Day by day, stone faced he moves
Drifting with the wobble bass
Starring into the eyes of classic passerby's
He peers through to the soul
Cold eyes that pierce all who resist
The abstract strategy of the mind
To lock in, face to face with another
The stronger of the two will not turn
Approached in a different mood
A smile that you hope to find
Internal defragmentations unwind
Denatured by the rapid pace
Rhythmic steps ripening my dreams
And cause my mental to stumble
The humble contact of optical association
Magical moments of soul perception
To random strangers, seems unnerving
But depth to be reached, deserving.

The Stepping

Walking in a blizzard
The cold wind kissing my face
Light flakes land on me sappingly
Each step feels like I've been here before
Dragging my feet i move
Stepping in the past steps
Strides too short
Thoughts too simple
The oldest steps even move backwards
In thought, I drift alone, not cold
The cold helps me feel alive
Helps me think
The dwellings on events past
They are the same as my steps
In the right direction, more complete, deeper.
This weight being lifted
A depth of years endured
I no longer am restrained by these chains
Nor forced to breathe this water
Now I am in control
After lifting my life long battle

Marq2.9

I feel betrayed having given all.
You let me fall in love knowing you didn't feel the same.
Your idea of sacrifice is STILL selfish.
I feel used by you.
I still love you after all this time and all i want is to feel nothing for you.
You tired not to hurt me, but you've hurt me the worst anyone ever has.
Every time i see your picture or name i immediately feel upset.
You left me broken and alone knowingly.
You never made me feel loved.
I'm tired of thinking about you.

Marq2.8

A dream in reality where a past never left
I rush to confirm my thought accurate
Running down a suburban side walk

With a leap I fail to jump a pitfall
Dark and deep with preciousness from past life
I land on my feet to retrieve this importance

The task of climbing up seems an impossibility
Rare hand holds and this burden upon my back
With strength I pull myself out of despair

I return the loot to my past self
Overjoyed I was but still eager to learn
Walking with my past self, I teach of suffering

Marq2.7

When loneliness grips the soul
A new version takes control
Drags him down deeper still
The unanswered void left to fill
This feeling is colder than winter
Frozen core of emotional splinters
How can I connect to this world

Like a skipped meal, empty bowl
I'm left with nothing to feel whole
Drowned by the intent to kill
Ground down like stone of mill
Tundra relates to me being barren

Gasping for relief my final role
Eternally I will pay this toll
Regardless that my debt is payed

I only seek the balance