A bookcase.

Over the past few months my partner and I have been having a civilized yet non-productive discussion about whether or not to buy a third bookcase for our apartment and many, many books.  Last night we sat down and the topic came up again over a delicious Longjing tea, which my brother bought for us while he was touring China, when I realized that I had failed to communicate exactly why I had felt the bookcase was not a good idea.  I told her that I felt like the place would be much to crowded by furniture and that it would turn the room into a choking enclosure. She expressed to me that she felt bad that the books were homeless, as if they had a human quality to them, and in fact she felt as if they were as children to her because of how much joy she felt they gave to her over her life.  After months and months of saying no I finally understood why she wanted it and began to cry.  I cried because of her love for the books, for my instant change of position on the topic, for my realization of trust in her, that I have come to know love in a way I have never known possible, for the excitement that there is more to come of that feeling and growth.  I cried because I was afraid to be that close to someone, for the feeling of vulnerability of my own self, and again because the realization of the trust I had in her to nurture my conquering of vulnerabilities towards openness. The feeling of knowing you are growing as a person and becoming comfortable with another person enough to allow your growth to be intertwined and inseparable has become the most incredible feeling to me. It is unlike anything I have known before and it is the most motivating thing I have ever felt. I feel as if I want to be the absolute best partner I can be for my wife, lover, friend, and life partner.  I know that will mean a lot more growth and change, but I want to take it on optimistically and with full awareness of the potential of regression, but to allow the forgiveness to myself to again grow past that.  I have been unimaginably fortunate to have met my wife and to have somehow stumbled through to marry her.  I love her and I love myself and I love our relationship and that will be what my whole life will be about with conscious intentional growth constantly in mind.   So after I took this inspiring detour of a thought, I told her that I want her to have any bookcase she wanted and that we will go and get it as soon as we are able to. I suspect there will be many more bookcases in our future and many more instances of pure love.

To make a Turn.

In the past I have used poetry as an emotional outlet for myself in order to maintain a sense of control over myself and the chaos that is the world.  Poetry was a tool for understanding and processing through emotions that I did not and could not understand at the time.
Currently I feel I am at a very pivotal time in my own personal development and find that the idea of reaching back to a past tool, re-purposing it for the direct and intentional guiding of my own desired path towards who I want to be, to be a very appealing idea and one that can be done in place of other copping mechanisms that are becoming obsolete due to the nature of where I have landed in life through little to no conception of where I had even started.  The writing of actual poetry may be a bit off in the future yet, but I want to use this safe place I have carved for myself to begin to foster my above intentions.  The way I will begin to do this is to write in prose to help tease the brain and get emotions flowing in the direction that I have longed for them to flow.

8/6/13

This weekend I proposed to Fione Lim by the starlight on my late Grandfather's lake.  The milky way was visible making it one of the most romantic things I have ever experienced.  The waters were calm and serene, the stars bright and numerous. I told her that I loved her and I got down on one knee and asked her to marry me.  She started crying and said "Yes!"  This is a big step for us to be taking, especially since we have not even spent an entire year together yet, but I know that this is what I want for my life and that I will be happy with her no matter where else life takes me as long as I have her. She has been such a loving, caring, supportive, and beautiful influence on my life since we have been together. She loves my family, as they love her, and she treats them as her own flesh and blood. In all my wildest dreams I could not even imagine how amazing she is and how our story would unfold. I never thought that I could find someone like her, and even further marry someone at her level of amazingness. Every day that passes is another day closer to the day I can truly say that I am hers and she is mine, and my excitement builds more and more.  I know that some people might think that it has gone too fast, that we don't know each other well enough, or that we are foolish for doing this, but honestly I feel that this is what I am meant to do regardless of social conventions and expectations.  I also know that there is something to what they are saying, but I have had the privilege and honor to be able to feel something so deep down inside, so life affirming, and so true that nothing else seems to matter that I can confidently and calmly let them know that it is just something they simply will not understand.  Those uncertainties may be rightly placed on a couple who does not so thoroughly examine each and every aspect of necessity before acting.  The connection that we share is unlike anything I have every experienced and continues to grow each day through the happy days and especially in the not so happy days.  I love her so completely and utterly fantastically that it often baffles my own mind. She is truly for me and I for her. I love you Fione Lim, love of my life, spark of my enthusiasm, driving force of my will, mutual supporter of affirmation and affections, my dearest, my love.
Shane Wolff

4/14/13

These last few months have been quite rough comparatively to the past few years. I have been dealing with the fact that I find many of the institutions within the healthcare system to be morally impaired to put it nicely. This realization has put stress on my educational pursuits because I am currently studying to be a Clinical  Laboratory Scientist, but I am double majoring with Philosophy which allows me to still graduate with a degree if I choose to drop the health professional pursuit.  Another factor that has been pushing me to drop the CLS degree is that I am feeling like I am putting in so much effort and working very hard to do well, but consistently scoring in the bottom bracket of my class.  I am feeling the stress of trying repeatedly but failing to score in the percentile that I would feel comfortable with.
I am so grateful for the support that Fione is showing me these months. She has been a huge part of the reason why I have survived as long as I have through this stressful time.  Fione is the kind of girl who will bend over backwards for me, pushing herself incredibly hard simply to give me a small comfort, and after she has done all she can think of she goes on to ask me if I need anything else. She is the kindest woman that I have had the pleasure to meet in my life, second only to my own mother who is a saint. Fione has had such a tremendous impact on my life in the short time I have known her, truly showing me what it is to love another person mind, body, and soul.  I even tell her that she is too good for me, but I know that I can be the man she needs me to be.  It will be hard for me to face the demons of my past but she will be there with me every step of the way with her endless compassion.  She has shown me a kind of love that I have never experienced and a kind that I don't think I could ever find again if I tried.  So to you Fione, lover, best friend, and grounder of my thoughts, I love you.

Survey

I know this is not a normal post for me, but this is a link to a survey that I decided to make using questions I got from a documentary called, "What A Way To Go: Life at the End of Empire." Please take some time to just answer a few true/false questions if your interested.
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/VBRBCZM

To My Love, Winter

Sweet kiss of winters wisp,
Sapping away my heart slowly,
My heart belongs to another,
But winter is persistent,
Frail white flakes belittle me,
Slick, slippery ice nibbles me,
The cruel torrent of torment,
Dribbling in disguise,
As a maiden's sweet kiss,
I'm called back to fraught,
Whet with despise and lust,
The signature of the premature,
Attachment of a simple kind.

Why is it that we,
You and me, can't be,
As we each see, civil,
Tearing at one another,
In massive successions,
Dear Winter, loathe of my life,
Will we love one another,
As husband and wife?

1/16/13

I keep searching,
Thinking their would be a reason,
Even one thing to keep me from acting,
From professing my love to you.

I realize how protective I am,
The times i have given so much and lost,
Crimes of others that you pay for,
And i know it is rightly unfair.

All we have is our time together,
To build this foundation, to grow,
Supporting one another's pursuits,
We travel a road familiar yet foreign to me.

Despite my reservations and defenses,
My happiness is boundless,
The potential prospects near infinite,
Dreams becoming all too real.